Paul and Storm » Your Love Is (Love Song With Metaphor)

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Since time began, sexual norms have been defined by men and taken up by armies of psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists — what goes for men must surely go for women too. He gave me back the ability to ask for comfort and to feel comfort. So in my home, it worked to be an avoider.

And your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly. He grabbed His closest - Peter, James and John - shared what was going on in His soul. Um, neither of these like conflict. Jim: Hey, you spent, uh, the first ten years of your marriage feeling stuck and unhappy.

My Love Is Your Love

In a discussion based on their book How We Love, counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich outline five primary love styles and explain how each shapes behaviors, beliefs and expectations in marriage. Our guests offer helpful insights on how you can break negative relational patterns to create a deeper, richer relationship with your spouse. Listen here, watch recent episodes on ouror. Opening: Excerpt: Kay Yerkovich: Where we are broken. Where does Christ need to redeem us. So really, when you look at these love styles, they all fall short of Christ. And we could even think of Christ as a secure connector. And welcome to another Best of 2018 Focus on the Family broadcast. And your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly. Jim Daly: John, every time we have Milan and Kay here, uh, our audience responds. You - you folks love to hear what these people have to say. And the better and more knowledgeable we are about that impact, the healthier your relationships are going to be. And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Here at Focus, we want to see you thrive in your marriage and in other relationships. John: And our guests have some great insights for you. Milan and Kay have been married for more than 40 years. They have four grown adult children and an unspecified number - it just says several grandchildren. Well, welcome back to the program. Jim: Hey, you spent, uh, the first ten years of your marriage feeling stuck and unhappy. Take us back to that first 10 years so the folks that are struggling can better identify that they are in a place where they need help. What does it look like, your first 10 years of marriage. Milan: The first ten years of marriage, we were simply operating on the downloads and operating systems that our families had imparted or downloaded into us without our permission, without our participation. Little did I know, she was an introvert and an emotionally avoidant person and I would overwhelm her. She set the stage for how I was as a person, which is not fully healthy. And the avoider is just the opposite of that. Uh, if something difficult came along, I was on my own to comfort myself or to try and work my way through that. And so when the avoider gets married, your love your love your love your love feel independent. Jim: And it translates to being strong. I - I have to say that, um, it was difficult for me in my growth process to feel needy, uh, because that was something that I just skipped over. So we have the avoider and the pleaser. Milan: The vacillator is sort of a blend between those two. The vacillator is a pursuer also. And so their quest as they enter into life is to find someone ideally who would never disconnect from them. And when they - when they date, they find someone that is very much attentive, and the dating relationship is alive and dynamic and exciting. And yet, after they get married, though, that excitement begins to wane a bit. And they start to get frightened, and they start to get scared. And so they pursue the other person in an angry way, which pushes the other person away and - even further. And it - it disables the very thing they want, which is connection. Is that partly what you might be describing here, where you have an abusive boyfriend, abusive husband. For the vacillator, they - they have an idealistic view of life. Um, they deal with the pain of childhood by idealizing the future. So their expectations are sky-high. Kay: Their expectations are very high. And that disappointment is what fuels the anger. Jim: What is that - describe that trauma, just so, again, the listener can understand it. Kay: It could be, um, very overt trauma like violence or sexual abuse. It could be a mentally ill parent. And the church is full of people from chaotic homes, because God loves them, and He goes after them. So you kind of have two categories in this kind of home. The feisty kids grow up, and they fight the system. And they get angry, and they become the controllers. The more compliant kid survives at home by becoming, um, complacent. Um, and they learn to tolerate the intolerable. Jim: They find a coping mechanism. And if - they cope by just trying to stay under the radar. And so these, uh, gals or these men often become more the victims. Let me just recap them - avoider, pleaser, vacillator and then that chaotic that we just covered. It communicates so much in those three words, the secure connector. I have to stop and look at myself. I love the verse you used out of Psalm 139. What does that person look like. That if I speak, somebody will pay attention to me. He grabbed His closest - Peter, James and John - shared what was going on in His soul. He had vertical support with the Heavenly Father in prayer. He had horizontal support with His friends. And He was able to get through that very desperate moment. Because so often we in the Christian community struggle to say science will uncover God. Kay: And, you know, attachment researchers, um - this is a 70-year-old field of research. And they - they just observe patterns. This is based on scientific research. And I think the goal of understanding this material is to become sanctified. Because in order to love, you have to have another person involved. Jim: So the point there is you can change. Milan: We are no longer those people. Why do you keep asking me that. Milan: Well, of course it would. See, because that - maybe if your skin really was crawling, it triggered you somehow because - because you heard conflict. But that was a repeatable pattern right there between the two of us. And, you know, your love your love your love your love thing - we call these dynamics a core pattern. And a core pattern is simply a descriptor of how your histories collide. Um, neither of these like conflict. But we did have that frustrating core pattern of, um, his chasing me and me avoiding him, and of course, the more he chased, the more I avoided. And when we begin to understand attachment, we begin to understand this was the root of this core pattern. My lack of bonding in my home and my avoider tendencies and his fearful home and his pleaser tendencies - that was the root, and so we began to work at the root in changing. Jim: How about that vacillator-avoider. Sometimes, you throw the mail away. Now, do you know where that is. I have something I want to get to. I was supposed to receive it in the mail. Milan: When we dated - when we dated it was this. You know, it was the pure eye-to-eye. So that would be two of the most common core patterns that we see in our offices. Milan: I walk through the door. So closely, you see other people, but. Matter when I walked through the door. I remember when we were dating, you would just light up. Things like this in our relationship. The pleaser just tries very hard to please. So in my home, it worked to be an avoider. It brought peace if no one showed feelings. In a chaotic home, nothing works. Jim: Yeah, which would be good to do. Jim: Milan and Kay, I am so mindful. What are some of the key things we can do. You talk about soul words for example. And when I could confess that to you, you - your whole attitude toward me changed, and it - absolutely, it was a transformative moment. And then I had to - Ephesians 4 - speak the truth to her and tell her what I was really feeling. She listened to that, and then you asked me questions. Yes, those are all biblically driven mandates. The whole workbook has been revised as well. And as I begin to grow out of that, God gave me back my feelings. He gave your love your love your love your love back the ability to ask for comfort and to feel comfort. Closing: John: What a wonderful look back at this Best of 2018 Focus on the Family conversation with Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Jim: Milan and Kay provided such solid relationship material on these love styles. They spoke right to the heart, which is why so many people called or wrote in response. Let me share an email we received from someone after listening to this program with Milan and Kay. As I sat here and listened, emotions began to spring forth. I do believe God inspires people to talk about how to heal and ultimately come back to the Father who restores every broken place. And thank you to those who cover the expenses to get this done. And you are as much a partner as the colleagues here at Focus. John: Yeah, it takes the radio guests and the great team here at Focus and our partners who pray for and donate to the ministry. With Christmas just around the corner, many people are experiencing difficult times. Families are torn apart by crisis. Couples are on the brink of your love your love your love your love. People are facing grief or depression. And many more desperately need the hope and peace Christ can give. Your year-end gift to Focus on the Family will share Christmas joy with these families who really, desperately need it. So please, give the gift of family this year. And when you call us today, your gift will be doubled through a special matching challenge provided by a handful of generous friends. Any amount you give today will have twice the impact. You know, Focus is helping over 300 marriages stay together each and every day. And I want you to be a part of that. So give today, and help us reach twice as many people with your donation. And when you do support us, I wanna say thank you by sending you a copy of How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich as our way of saying thank you. Well thanks for joining us today. Teaser: Hettie Brittz: So we do not have the right to shape our kids unless we are willing to be shaped by God. Featured Broadcast Resource Receive Milan and Kay Yerkovich's book How We Love for your donation of any amount. And today, your gift will be doubled thanks to a match. Jim Daly and John Fuller are your hosts in a digital collection of the year's most popular programs from the Focus on the Family daily radio broadcast. Do you know your marriage's strengths and weaknesses. Milan Yerkovich is an ordained minister and pastoral counselor who has devoted himself to working with families and couples for more than 30 years. He is the director of Relationship 180, a non-profit organization dedicated to counseling individuals and families toward healthy relationships. Milan is also a co-host at New Life Ministries, a nationwide counseling talk show with Steven Arterburn. Milan and his wife, Kay, are co-authors of the books How We Love and How We Love Our Kids. The couple has four children and several grandchildren. Learn more about Milan and his work by visiting his website. Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist whose specialty is treating couples using attachment theory as the foundation of her work. She is a popular speaker and lecturer in the areas of parenting and marriage relationships, and she supervises and trains other therapists. Kay and her husband, Milan, are co-authors of the books How We Love and How We Love Our Kids. Learn more about Kay and her work by visiting her website.

And so they pursue the other person in an angry way, which pushes the other person away and - even further. But the first people to be affected are same-sex couples who have already wed legally abroad. The pleaser just tries very hard to please. Milan: The vacillator is sort of a blend between those two. Milan: Well, of course it would. He gave me back the ability to ask for comfort and to feel comfort. It is not yet known when and where the first same-sex wedding will be held. Opening: Excerpt: Kay Yerkovich: Where we are broken?